Relationships
Relationships, am I right?
I don’t think anyone realizes how hard relationships can and will undoubtedly be when we enter them. That pesky honeymoon phase gives us a sort of tunnel vision. By the time the rose colored glasses come off, reality looks a lot different. All those things your partner did in the beginning are happening a lot less now. All that “best behavior” to avoid a conflict starts to become more and more unsustainable.
Does this mean relationships are doomed from the start? Of course not. Does this mean they might require more work than we thought they did? Absolutely. Where did the idea that they were easy come from anyway?
We all know the parts of a relationship that are vital to success: communication, conflict management, common goals, shared ideals, similar values, etc etc….
I want to talk about two things we don’t always think about until weenter a therapist;s office or find it through a google search. This isn’t to say the above mentioned concepts aren’t vital - it just means there are other factors that contribute to issues and connection..
Love Languages
We all know about love languages. We’re all pretty sure we know what ours is. It is incredibly likely that we all need all five at any given time but that there are often one or two that dominate over the rest. What I see the most when I work with couples is that individuals will try to show love in the way they need love shown to them. Someone who appreciates gifts may buy gifts for their partner to express their love. But what happens when gifts aren’t the other person’s thing? What happens when it appears they aren’t appreciative or still don’t feel valued and loved? What if their love language is acts of service and the way to show them they are valued is to make dinner and clean the kitchen?
What is an obvious good intention doesn’t get the desired reaction and now one partner feels like their love is being purchased and the other feels like the nice thing they did went unappreciated. Maybe this turns into an argument or maybe the vibe towards one another has gotten distant and cold. This starts a weird cycle and the distance grows and grows. The solution becomes blurrier and blurrier.
How we feel love is unique, despite good intentions from our partner.
Words of affirmation: Saying supportive things to your partner.
Quality time: Spending focused time together.
Physical touch: Showing care through intimate contact.
Acts of service: Doing helpful things for your partner.
Receiving gifts: Giving thoughtful gifts to express love.
Knowing how your partner receives and expresses love is important.
So important, in fact, that there are now love languages for many other types of relationships: children, singles, apologies, the workplace, men, teenagers, christians, etc etc….. Here is the link to Gary Chapman’s bookstore if you feel called to explore. The original is my favorite!
The Love Language Free Quiz (fun fact: there are so many other kinds of quizzes as well - how you handle anger, apology language, etc).
Attachment Styles
I discovered and dug into this one when my own marriage was in trouble. It was eye opening. Bowlby’s Attachment Theory focuses on the human desire to belong and how it is one of the main driving forces behind individuals’ actions. Despite this, we know relationships aren’t always easy, right?
How are attachment styles formed? In short: childhood. I know, I know. Everything seems to link back to childhood. The attachment we form with our primary caregivers matters. If we have parents that are attuned to our needs and offer a warm and safe environment, we may end up with a secure attachment style. If we have the opposite, parents that aren’t in tune with our needs, we may end up with an insecure attachment. Even if parents do their best and this is unintentional, the effects can be the same - needs aren’t met. We learn early on what having or not having or needs met feels like and though none of us remember how it felt then, it is likely evident in your actions today.
Keep in mind that you may not 100% fall into a single category. It’s just a guide to help you uncover some truths and potential solutions for yourself.
Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)
This attachment style is characterized by the underlying fear of abandonment. Someone with this attachment style likely feels unworthy and that their partner is genuinely their better half. In an attempt to ease this fear, individuals may need constant reassurance and responsiveness. If this isn’t provided to someone’s expectation, it can lead to behavior that seems clingy, demanding and increasingly insecure regarding the security of the relationship.
Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
This attachment style is characterized by a strong sense of independence and self-sufficiency. These individuals do not believe they need a relationship to feel whole. They do not want to depend on others and don’t want others to depend on them. In an attempt to override this, individuals may withdraw and become more guarded if it feels like their partner is starting to need this emotional security from them. They will likely struggle with expressing their emotions.
Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)
This attachment style is a combination of the two listed above depending on the situation at any given moment. Their behavior might seem confusing. They simultaneously want the relationship’s intimacy and closeness while greatly struggling with trusting and depending on their partner. Individuals who struggle with this have a hard time regulating their emotions and spend a lot of energy avoiding emotional connections.
Secure
This attachment style is characterized by individuals who can rely on others and have others rely on them. It is rooted in honesty and closeness. Individuals often thrive in relationships but are also content on their own.
Imagine someone with an avoidant attachment style is in a relationship with someone who expresses signs of an anxious attachment style. The individual with an anxious attachment style needs reassurance and may move closer while the individual with the avoidant attachment style moves further back if they start to think the other person needs them for this security.
Here is a quiz to determine your attachment style if this is something that interests you. Depending on what you discover, it helps create a list of things you may want to work on to improve relationships moving forward (or currently). The Attachment Project has a lot of great resources to start with if you feel moved to learn more.
Resources:
Discover Your Love Language® - The 5 Love Languages®
The Attachment Project: Learn Attachment Theory from Experts