Stop at the ‘But’: What You’re Really Saying When You Keep Talking

We all do it.

• “I love my partner, but…”

• “I know I’m doing my best, but…”

• “I’m grateful for my job, but…”

• “They said they were sorry, but…”

One small word, three letters long—but—can quietly undo everything that came before it.

It’s a verbal U-turn. A silent “never mind.”

It often reveals the real thing you believe.

And it deserves your attention.

 

The Psychology of the “But”

Here’s what happens:

We say something kind, honest, or vulnerable…

And then we walk it back.

We’re not lying.

We’re just not letting ourselves sit in the discomfort of something being complicated, contradictory, or true all at once.

So we add a “but” to:

• Soften our emotions

• Avoid judgment

• Explain away our pain

• Keep ourselves small

 

Common “But” Sentences—Decoded

Let’s break down what we often really mean:

🗣 “I’m proud of myself, but I still have a long way to go.”

💭 Translation: “I don’t fully believe I’m allowed to feel proud.”

 

🗣 “They apologized, but it still hurts.”

💭 Translation: “I’m scared my pain won’t be valid if I accept the apology.”

 

🗣 “I forgive them, but I’ll never forget.”

💭 Translation: “I’m trying to forgive while still protecting myself.”

 

🗣 “I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I’m still struggling.”

💭 Translation: “I’m afraid to admit my pain in the face of privilege.”

 

What Happens When You Stop at the ‘But’?

You get honest.

You stop editing your truth.

You allow both things to be valid.

Try this:

Instead of:

➡️ “I’m healing, but it’s taking too long.”

Say:

✅ “I’m healing.” (Full stop. Let that stand.)

Instead of:

➡️ “I’m hurt, but I know they didn’t mean it.”

Say:

✅ “I’m hurt.” (That’s enough.)

Your brain may want to justify or soften or explain.

But healing often begins with letting one truth stand on its own.

 

Practice: Rewrite Your “But” Sentence

1. Write out a sentence you’ve been saying lately that has a “but” in it.

2. Split it into two separate truths.

3. Let them both be valid—without canceling each other out.

You might be surprised at how freeing it is.

 

Final Thoughts

“Stop at the but” isn’t about silencing yourself.

It’s about honoring what came first—before your fear of being misunderstood, judged, or dismissed crept in.

Sometimes, the first part of the sentence is your truth.

And the second part is your conditioning.

So next time you hear yourself say “but”…

Stop. Breathe. Ask: What am I afraid of if I just let this truth exist?

Because you don’t have to qualify what’s real.

You just have to let it be.